It looks like good news is on its way! I just took a cycle on Thursday (slept through the ENTIRE thing) and that means that I have two more to go before they do another scan. As good as my results were last time, I'm hoping for THE good news this time: The R word!
Meanwhile, I still have those mental and physical battles that try and draw me deeper into depression. I caught myself not wanting to be alone but not wanting to be with anyone else either. Long ago, chemo, cancer or worry robbed me of the joy of reading. The meds make it really hard to get any exercise. I'm not supposed to be in the sun. Sometimes it gets hard to pray, not out of anger or anything like that, just because...I guess it means facing what I don't want to face.
But I DID catch myself! I caught myself in the mirror and didn't like who I saw. I saw Old Jeremy, Past Jeremy, Scared Jeremy. That won't do. I kicked him out a long time ago and I'm not about to let him back in now.
So I devised a plan. A daily to-do list to make sure I stay on track. At first I started adding things like "Change your attitude". Fffpt!!! What a load of crock. That's not something I could live up to. So I decided it'd be better to make a small list of very reasonable, doable things that I knew would also have a fairly big impact on my mood and outlook.
For instance, "Spend a little time every day on a relationship. You were made to be with people. Strengthen family ties, strengthen friendships. Call someone, write someone, visit someone. Invest a little of your time on people that you love"
And "Get OUT! Go for a walk with Poe, go read on the patio, go visit friends, but get the heck out! You are not "Shut-in Jeremy" anymore, he's dead. YOU are a Champion!!!"
"Talk to God everyday, I don't care what time, but if you haven't done it before your head hits the pillow, do it then. God loves you Jeremy, he forgives you. Do NOT let the enemy make His sacrifice of so little effect. He died for you, talk to Him! You are MORE than a Conqueror!"
Also on the list are training Poe (my dog), reading Scripture every day, making sure I've done at least one chore before bed and one rule which defies Doctor's orders: Get some SUN. Not much does the soul better than sunshine.
I call this plan the Damascus Plan because I wanna see the light again. :) If ya didn't catch that reference read the book of Acts. Its nothing major, just small things and so far its helped a lot. Maybe if your going through the same thing you could come up with your own Damascus plan.
Keep your head up, fighter.