Joshua's Story

 I grew up in Thomasville, Georgia, the youngest son of Gene and Debbie Potter. My older brothers, Jason and Joshua, were my best friends and Rosedale Avenue was Our Land. We filled that dead-end road with all the magic of childhood that we could pack into it. We were young and loved and safe and the sun was always shining, even when it rained.

Josh and I were always together. I was his shadow, always a footstep behind. We ruled the woods and left no rock or turtle unturned. We shared the same humor and same curiosity. I remember once, we even shared the same dream. One night we both woke up at the same time from a nightmare, being chased by a monster. Looking back, it seems like an omen.

 Time passed on and we all grew up. Life didn't go in the direction I thought that it would. The magic fell away. We left Our Land behind. Jason moved away and married. I lost myself in a world of fear caused by a panic dissorder and depression and Josh...Josh got cancer.

 When he was 21 years old Josh felt a little sick and went to the doctor. He'd had a cough and some swelling in his glands. Then came the tests and the waiting. We couldn't believe what they were thinking. A phone call: "We need you to come in to get your results". Our world fell apart.

 Joshua was diagnosed with Large cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Lymphoma is a word that is foreign to most people, but it wasn't to us. My mother's sister was diagnosed with it in her early twenties. Cancer of the lymphnodes. I had never met her, my aunt did not survive.

 To me, cancer was something that happened to someone else's loved one. Not something I ever expected to show up in my brother, in my best friend. My mind was forced into a new awareness. I think that was true for all of us. Cancer had touched us and changed us forever.

 I was a Christian at the time, but a very poor one with very little faith or understanding. I was trapped in my fears. I knew then, though, that my brother needed me and something was going to have to change. I gave myself away to God that year. I sold my life to Him. He took away my fears, he made me strong enough to do what had to be done.

 What had to be done took years. Josh went through 9 months of chemotherapy. I remember when his hair fell out, the look of dispair on is face. I remember all the held back tears and the nights we all secretly let them out. The treatment seemed worse than the disease.

 After his chemo, Josh went into remission. It didn't last long and the cancer recurred. With an agressive cancer like he had, options start running out quickly. Cancer learns how to fight back. What doesnt kill it really does make it stronger. Josh's option was a stemcell transplant.

 We moved to North Georgia and into the Hope Lodge in Atlanta. Josh began a much harder round of chemotherapy and radiation. He had a port put into his chest. He had to give himself shots that caused his bones to ache. He was always sick. His body started falling apart. He and I moved into Emory Hospital.

 They took his own stemcells, a 6 hour process. And then administered a lethal dose of chemotherapy. Once they were sure the poison had done its best they gave Josh his stemcells in the hopes that it would revitalize his body and force it to start producing new cells again.

 It didn't take. We sat in his room at his bedside, praying and waiting for the worst. I cannot begin to explain in any real detail the kind of sorrow and pain that I felt that day. My brother was dying and I wanted to die with him. I WAS dying with him.

 "It took! It shouldnt have worked, but it did!". The doctors were amazed and we were beyond relieved. A little bit of light had come back into the world. The healing process was very slow though and the mind heals slower than the body. It took us all years to recover. But now Josh is 7 years in remission. He fought cancer and won. We all were changed forever. Good scars and bad. But at least it was over.

 On December 31st 2010, New Year's Eve I went to the Emergency Room. I'd been sick for months with a cough and fever and chest pain. I had been to the doctor so many times and they had never found anything. I had wasted time and money and was beginning to feel like a fool. I looked at my dad and asked "Did I make a mistake coming here?". Then the doctor came in, "We've found an abnormality on your x-ray". The CT scan confirmed that I had a large tumor in my chest.

 In January 2011 I was officially diagnosed with Large B Cell Non-hodgkins Lymphoma. Stage 3. Our nightmare monster had cought us both. Its only been a month since I found out, but already my life has changed into nightmarish chaos. Tests upon tests and surgeries and procedures. Waiting, always waiting.
I spent years of my life as my brother's caregiver. Always wondering just how hard it was for HIM. I settled into the role, I became it. It wasn't easy having to just watch my brother suffer, it was a suffering of its own. But I always wondered how he endured, how he found the strength to go on.

 Now I'm having to find out for myself. My brother has gone before me and overcome. Now I follow behind, like when we were little boys in the woods. God help me to find my way out of these woods...