On Faith...

 Since my diagnosis many people have asked me if I am angry with God. In fact, I've noticed that alot of my friends and family have that reaction themselves, that they have become angry with God for allowing this to happen to me. "You don't deserve this".

 No. I am not angry with God. The opposite is true, I love Him.

 God has always been in my life. When I was little I can remember talking to Him. Not really knowing or understanding Who He was or what He was saying. But just enjoying His company. I knew He loved me, whoever "He" was.

 I wasnt strictly raised as a Christian. Yes, my parents were Christian but I wasn't raised in church, I didnt speak the lingo, didnt sing the songs. I couldnt quote a Bible verse if my life had depended on it. I knew that there was a "God"and that, for some reason, He sent His son to teach us and he died. That was the extent of it.

 When I was growing up I doubted that belief system and even mocked it. I was a smart kid. I studied all the time. I loved myths and legends and philosophies. I took what I liked from each of them and made my own world view. Built up my own outlook on life. I was god in this sytem. The world was mine.

 Granted, it was filled with Christian ideals. My system was a goody-two-shoes system. Most people, even Christians, would have loved me and my private religion. Would have given me kudos. I, certainly, was proud of myself.

 But then my cousin got baptised. I asked her how she knew she was saved and she said if you have to ask then you're not. I went to another family member, "How do you know when you're saved?". "You are", they said.

 I dont know why it bothered me so much. I didnt even believe in salvation. But it bothered me. Bothered me that even as good a person as I was that some people would still condemn me as "unsaved", "lost", "damned".

 I pushed the thoughts away. It was silly. Worrying about some stupid myth when I knew the way the world really worked. And anyway, everyone assumed I was Christian. So I didnt need to worry about judgement.

 I went back to my way. Back to the books, to what I knew best.

 I did not find God in a church. I did not find Him in a sermon or from the lips of an evangelist of from a pamphlet. I did not find God at all. I wasn't looking for God. God found me.

 I went back to my bookshelf one day, ready to reinforce my worldview, and when I reached out for one of my favorite books I was stopped by a voice saying "Why do you look everywhere but to me for answers?"

 It stopped me. Surprised me. Scared me. I was not one for mysticm or spirituality. I didnt believe in ghosts or floating voices. I wasnt superstitious at all. But here was a clear voice. And what really surprises me, looking back, is how I instinctively knew the Speaker.

 I immediately searched for a bible. In all my studies of ancient and dead religions of modern faiths and philosophies I had NEVER read the New Testament. I completely and blindly ignored it and never wondered why. But that day I had to find it. I found an old dusty one in the bottom of my bookshelf. I took it to my bedroom and opened it to the gospel of John. I read in it that God loved me and that I was guilty and even so He gave His son to die for me so that I could live.

 Guilty? I WAS guilty. I knew it. I literally felt the burden of my guilt weighing on me. I had thought I was a good person, everyone said so. I had never killed or stolen, I treated people like I wanted to be treated. I was a perfect kid. But I was damned and deserved it because there was a very real God who I had known and talked to in my earliest days and who I had turned my back on and in my pride I had set myself on His throne. I had made myself god I had mocked His son, I had mocked the one who was now promising me to take away my guilt to take my punishment.

 I begged God that day on my knees for forgiveness. Its been a long walk with Him ever since. I still had alot of growing to do and most of that didn't happen until cancer (my brother's) forced it to years later. But the lesson that I have learned is this: Who else could I trust more than a God who earnestly and eagerly tries to talk with me even when I ignore Him, who gave His son away for the life of His enemies, who poured out his soul unto death for a boy who laughed at his name, who suffered hell so that I could enjoy heaven, who gave me everything I never deserved for no reason other than that He loved me?

 Christ endured my suffering on the cross. Much more than I will ever know. I love Him. He gave Himself away for me. I gladly gave my life to Him. I sold it. Every part of it. I am the slave and sole property of Jesus Christ. When I gave Him my life I did not say "take it and make me happy" I said "Take it and use it, be glorified in it, be lifted up and magnified, let everyone who sees my life see YOU and Your goodness and Your glory and Your love and grace. Take my life in health and sickness, in good and bad, in living and in dying and make it totally and completely Yours."

 No, I am not angry with God. What He does with my life is His business. In what better hands could I be? Who could I trust it with more than Him? I have seen Him heal people of diseases, I have seen Him deliver people out of troubles. I have watched God change lives and move mountains. He is more than able. I have trusted Him this far, I will go ahead with that trust.

 There will be fear and pain and, at some point, as with every life, there will be death. But I am not alone and I never will be. When I first found out about the cancer I went home alone and prayed a very emotional prayer begging God to heal me and to take it away. Then I apologized. I remembered why I had sold my life to Him and I remembered that He is trustworthy. My prayer changed from "take it away" to "Get glory from this, just give me the strength to endure it well". And thats my mission. To bear it well, to be a faithul witness, to not give up no matter the cost.

 Please don't be angry with God for my sake. Its the opposite of what I sold my life for. If you love me, love the God that I love. If you support me, support my cause.

 People are watching me now. Looking at my life. My life is hid in Christ, if you want to find me, find me there.