The Real Thing

 When I decided to start this journal, or really when I realized I was starting this journey with cancer, I made the choice to be as open and honest as possible. I want to be a good example of a follower of Christ, I'd like for people to be able to look at my life and see some of His light and goodness.

 That being said, my first instinct is to put on a brave face and tell you all about how confident and hopeful and secure I am. But the truth is, I'm not that person. I cannot be an honest example if I try to cover things up.

 I don't want to be a downer or to scare people and God knows the last thing I want is for anyone to be discouraged because of something I've said or done. But I believe that the truth sets people free. And so I'm going to share some truths with you and hope that you understand.

 I'm scared.

 I have a fatal disease. It terrifies me. When I asked the doctor to describe the tumor to me he explained that it was large (measured it out with a tape measure for me). that it was inbetween my heart and my left lung and pressing up against them both. It has fingers that are wrapping around my lung, my carotid artery and has caused me to have blockages in several veins and blood vessels. It has spread beyond my chest, under my left arm and into my neck. It spread south into several areas around my stomach.

 I couldn't sleep that night. I wrote this instead: "No-Good-Thing"

"For in me- that is, in my flesh, dwelleth No-Good-Thing
and it eats in my chest and it screams in my dream
Its fingers spread out to feel and to strangle
and its all about what it can steal and can mangle
I'm afraid of its teeth sitting next to my heart
and its harder to sleep, hearing gnaws in the dark
It chased away time and wants to rob my tomorrow
its wasting my mind with its fear and its sorrow
But I will fight tooth and nail and continue to pray
and the Light will prevail and beat the monster away
For in ME- that is in my heart, dwelleth One Good Thing
and though I'm falling apart, my King reigns supreme."  Fear has been a huge part of my life. People will say I have no faith because of it, but I think its the opposite. Faith is not the absence of fear but the overcoming of it. I watched my brother endure alot of things when he was sick with cancer. I always told him I didn't know how he did it and that I could never be that strong. I was right. I'm not that strong. That's why, every day, I ask God to give me strength, to BE my strength.

 The fear is still there. But so am I, and I will go THROUGH.
　

 I'm confused.

 There are so many questions that run through my mind and there just arent any answers. Why is this happening? Am I going to survive? How can I endure this? Do my family and friends know how much I love them? Will people forget me when I die? Have I done my best with my life? How much is this going to hurt? Will I be able to have children after the chemo? Can life ever be normal again? Will people lose their faith if I don't survive? Why won't this just go away? Why won't this just go away? Why won't this just go away?

 I HATE not having answers. My whole life if I wanted to know something I studied it. I took it apart. I got my answers. There are no answers here.

 One thing that has really helped me, is understanding that men are blind. We just cant see the whole picture, but I believe God when He says that He can. Life is an obsticle course for us then. Dodging ditches as best we can, but God has promised to lead me through. I just have to keep my hand in His and trust Him even when it seems to me He's leading me into a ditch. This doesn't take away the confusion, it doesn't chase away all my fears, but it gives me a little peace sometimes and a lot of hope.
　

 I'm frustrated.

 The rug was pulled out from under me. I'm falling apart at the seams. I can't be the person I was anymore. Now I'm Jeremy the cancer patient. I can't get away from it. Its in my dreams. Whenever I cough "I have cancer", whenever my chest hurts "I have cancer", whenever my heart races "I have cancer". Everything reminds me and throws it in my face.

 I'm 26 years old. I was finally feeling like I was getting my life on track. I had a nice apartment. I was holding a steady job and had just gotten promoted to Lead. I had money in the bank. I was doing everything right and was becoming the independent adult I wanted to be.

 Now I'm losing it all. The worst part is not being able, physically. I'm just stuck. It's so frustrating! It makes me grumpy. Its depressing.

 People look at you differently. People speak to you differently. Its hard to lose your identity to a disease that you hate with everything you are. It cant be helped. It cant be ignored. I have cancer, its a big deal. But I hate it just the same.

 So I'm not the greek hero standing strong and unwavering against his mighty enemies. I'm not a stoic guardian of the faith, never flinching in the face of adversity. I'm just Jeremy and I am scared, confused and frustrated. I won't give up, I will keep the faith.