RED

I apologize for not having updated the blog lately. I have been in the hospital.

Last Tuesday I was feeling pretty bad from the chemo. I had asked my dad to bring me a nausea pill and something to drink, which he did. A few minutes later I felt that awful pull in my stomach and, being too weak to get up and go to the bathroom, I calmly asked Dad to bring me a garbage can.

He calmly walked to the bathroom, calmly got the garbage pale, walked calmly past me and into the kitchen. He calmly dumped the contents of the pale into the kitchen garbage and calmly added a new bag to the pale.

He then picked up the pale, calmly walked back into the living room and placed the pale next to me. He calmly walked back to the kitchen to tend to my never calm Chihuahua puppy. As he did so, I calmly slid off of the couch, slightly amused by Dad's attention to detail in the face impending unpleasantness. As soon as I hit the floor, I set to business with the garbage can.

RED.

That's odd, I thought. "Dad?" I calmly asked into the air. My eyes not leaving the redness.

"Yes, son?" He calmly replied.

"What color was the drink you gave me?"

"It was a Sprite, it was clear. Why?"

"Then why is this red?" I calmly pondered. Oh! I realized.

Calmness faded away and so did I. My blood pressure dropped significantly, I drooped over the garbage can unable to hold myself up. I couldn't move, I could barely speak.

Its red.My dad was by my side I could hear my mother calling an ambulance.

Its red...The world started to drift away. I couldn't feel. I couldn't think.

Its red!I was fading. I could see colors, organic, earthy colors and something was opening in front of me, something also very organic looking. I've passed out before. But I've never experienced anything like that. I think I was doing more than just losing consciousness. As I watched the thing open in front of me I was suddenly jolted by a voice saying "FIGHT, Jeremy! You can fight this!"

The organic opening reversed itself, the colors did as well and suddenly light came back to my eyes. My dad was still by my side holding my hand. My mom was opening the door for the EMT's.

I was taken to the ER. They needed to find out why I was bleeding internally. Unfortunately a blood test revealed that I was neutropenic. Neutropenia, is a deficiency of white blood cells which are what the body uses to fight of infections. A common cold could have killed me. The neutropenia is a side effect of my chemotherapy, it was expected and is temporary, but it created a problem: I needed an endoscopy to find out why I was bleeding, but they couldn't do that unless I was able to fight off any infections I might get from the process.

I was admitted to the hospital and put on an IV and antibiotics. I vomited up blood once more again the next day. Alot of it. My blood pressure slowly returned to a near normal level but my white blood cells were being stubborn. By Friday I was still neutropenic and my hemoglobins (red blood cells) were still low due to the blood loss. I needed a blood transfusion.

I spent 6 days in the hospital. Never left the room. Only left the bed three times. My dad was with me the entire time. My brother, Josh and mother had gotten sick and were not allowed near me. My brother, Jason spent the second night with me and held my hand as I faded in and out of consciousness. Then he also got sick and could not come.

My father is amazing. He also held my hand, and he prayed and waited and tolerated the freezing cold room (I was burning up) and waited on me hand and foot. He washed me with a cold cloth when I was most nauseated and took care of me in every way possible.

The hospital, mixed with still dealing with the cancer diagnosis, the fear of not knowing why I was vomiting blood and the time all conspire against the mind. My enemy used this time to break me down and attack me. I had the worst and most painful night of my life that Saturday.

The devil tried his hardest to give me every reason to turn my back on my faith, to curse God. But he doesn't understand me. He doesn't understand God. I love God, not just for what I can get but for Who God is. He is worthy to be loved, worthy to be trusted. I had asked God to be my Overcomer. Even though it was hard and painful and the scars will always remain, I overcame the hardest night. My dad was there too. Praying me through, reading Psalm 91:

"This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."

"Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night"

"The Lord says, 'I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.'"

Finally, I got good news. My white blood cell count had come back up. They did the endoscopy. More good news: the bleeding had stopped. It was caused by an ulcer in my Cardia, which is the end of the Esophagus and the beginning of the Stomach. It was healing. They suspect there was a lymphoma there and that the chemo had disolved it, leaving the wound.

More good news: I could go home.

Its good to be home :)