Milestones and Glass Houses

About a month ago I hit my fouth cycle of chemo. That's the halfway mark. It was a big deal to my doctors and to my family and friends. I was excited too, but more anxious than anything.I didnt want to let myself get too excited, from the beginning I've forced myself to be as ready as I can be for bad news. So I didnt want to over celebrate or get anybody's hopes up.

Just recently coming out of a very hard depression, it is really difficult to put down in words how I was feeling. I felt doomed either way. But one thing God has been doing in my life lately is bringing more and more fellow fighters into my world. Kathy has terminal cancer, she always sits across from me at the infusion center. She and her husband used to own the local Sonic. She grins and laughs all the time and every once in a while you can see a bit of fear come through.

Phillip found out that he not only has stage 4 non-hodgkins lymphoma, but also that he has stage 4 Hodgkin's lymphoma. He's a great guy, very witty, has a beautiful loving family and is very optomistic.

Lisa has stage 4 bone cancer and stage 4 faith. She's an amazing woman who looks life and death right in the eyes and is thankful for all that she has.

April is my age and has breast cancer. To me it seems like she is forever going to get treatment. I dont know how she does it while also getting her Masters Degree. She is always brave and unselfish and full of faith.

Rick is a friend from my church. Not too long after I found out I had lymphoma, so did he. He's a very kind man who loves his family, they arent hard to love.

My mind tries to find a word to classify these people. "Hero" isnt enough. Diamonds in the making. Icons of Strength and Faith and Nobility. The truth is they are just humans but because of their cicrumstances and the actions and reactions to those circumstances they've become, maybe just a little MORE human than the rest of us.

I'm thankful for my milestones and for these extraodinary people God has put in my path. I'm also happy to report that my latest scans have shown significant shrinkage of my tumors. Many are not even there anymore. My biggest tumor is now less than half its original size!

Christ was telling the truth that it only takes faith the size of a mustardseed, because my faith has had its ups and downs, but even at its weakest it helped me to endure and thats what its all about.

Thank you for your enduring prayers and support and mostly for your sincere love. God bless you!

Back

I started my 4th cycle last Thursday. So far the sickness has been manageable.

For everyone who has been checking this blog, I apologize for not having updated it recently. After my third cycle I just sort of drifted away and became very distant. I've felt so detached from reality. The bad part is, I guess, that I kind of enjoy it.

I enjoy being alone and hiding. If no one is around, I don't have to talk about cancer, I don't have to smile. No one should have to smile when they talk about cancer.

But then when I AM around people I don't enjoy it. I feel guilty, I feel selfish. I AM selfish. I know so many people who are going through what I'm going through and worse and they are handling it so much better. I'm ashamed to admit how depressed and scared I am.

I'm so afraid of the future. I'm getting tested next week to see how the cancer has responded to the chemo. No matter what the answer is I'm afraid of it. The scariest answer is "the cancer hasn't responded at all". Next is "The cancer is responding but it will still take some time" and even the so called "good news" scares me, "The cancer's gone, you're in remission". What then? I'm just suppose to go on as if it never happened? Go back to my old job, go back to being happy?

But things wont be the same. I'll be working at that old job to pay off the $50,000 I owe. Happy? Even if I go into remission the chances are high that the cancer will come back within four years. There are so many scars, mentally and physically and I don't feel like I can ever be me again.

I hate this side of myself. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't share it. I knew I wasn't strong enough when I started this journey, but then, so did God. My prayer is still the same "God give me strength to bear this well and to be a good example." I don't feel like I'm doing much of either, but I'll just have to trust God on that.

I want to thank everyone for their constant support and love and ask for your forgiveness for my selfishness and for my distance. It will pass. Love is the key thing. It never stops, never dies, never gives up. I'm surrounded by love so I must be on the right track. God bless.