I started my 4th cycle last Thursday. So far the sickness has been manageable.
For everyone who has been checking this blog, I apologize for not having updated it recently. After my third cycle I just sort of drifted away and became very distant. I've felt so detached from reality. The bad part is, I guess, that I kind of enjoy it.
I enjoy being alone and hiding. If no one is around, I don't have to talk about cancer, I don't have to smile. No one should have to smile when they talk about cancer.
But then when I AM around people I don't enjoy it. I feel guilty, I feel selfish. I AM selfish. I know so many people who are going through what I'm going through and worse and they are handling it so much better. I'm ashamed to admit how depressed and scared I am.
I'm so afraid of the future. I'm getting tested next week to see how the cancer has responded to the chemo. No matter what the answer is I'm afraid of it. The scariest answer is "the cancer hasn't responded at all". Next is "The cancer is responding but it will still take some time" and even the so called "good news" scares me, "The cancer's gone, you're in remission". What then? I'm just suppose to go on as if it never happened? Go back to my old job, go back to being happy?
But things wont be the same. I'll be working at that old job to pay off the $50,000 I owe. Happy? Even if I go into remission the chances are high that the cancer will come back within four years. There are so many scars, mentally and physically and I don't feel like I can ever be me again.
I hate this side of myself. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't share it. I knew I wasn't strong enough when I started this journey, but then, so did God. My prayer is still the same "God give me strength to bear this well and to be a good example." I don't feel like I'm doing much of either, but I'll just have to trust God on that.
I want to thank everyone for their constant support and love and ask for your forgiveness for my selfishness and for my distance. It will pass. Love is the key thing. It never stops, never dies, never gives up. I'm surrounded by love so I must be on the right track. God bless.