Saturday, April 2, 2011

Back

I started my 4th cycle last Thursday. So far the sickness has been manageable.

For everyone who has been checking this blog, I apologize for not having updated it recently. After my third cycle I just sort of drifted away and became very distant. I've felt so detached from reality. The bad part is, I guess, that I kind of enjoy it.

I enjoy being alone and hiding. If no one is around, I don't have to talk about cancer, I don't have to smile. No one should have to smile when they talk about cancer.

But then when I AM around people I don't enjoy it. I feel guilty, I feel selfish. I AM selfish. I know so many people who are going through what I'm going through and worse and they are handling it so much better. I'm ashamed to admit how depressed and scared I am.

I'm so afraid of the future. I'm getting tested next week to see how the cancer has responded to the chemo. No matter what the answer is I'm afraid of it. The scariest answer is "the cancer hasn't responded at all". Next is "The cancer is responding but it will still take some time" and even the so called "good news" scares me, "The cancer's gone, you're in remission". What then? I'm just suppose to go on as if it never happened? Go back to my old job, go back to being happy?

But things wont be the same. I'll be working at that old job to pay off the $50,000 I owe. Happy? Even if I go into remission the chances are high that the cancer will come back within four years. There are so many scars, mentally and physically and I don't feel like I can ever be me again.

I hate this side of myself. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't share it. I knew I wasn't strong enough when I started this journey, but then, so did God. My prayer is still the same "God give me strength to bear this well and to be a good example." I don't feel like I'm doing much of either, but I'll just have to trust God on that.

I want to thank everyone for their constant support and love and ask for your forgiveness for my selfishness and for my distance. It will pass. Love is the key thing. It never stops, never dies, never gives up. I'm surrounded by love so I must be on the right track. God bless.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jeremy, You are a good example. HOn, you have shown that its ok to fight, cry, have faith, waver in it and get it back. I know ur road is hard, rocky, higher mountains than you have ever had to climb before, but you know God is in control. That is all you have to hold onto. KNOWING GOD IS IN CONTROL. No matter how sick, tired, scared or worn out you feel or get, just remember that. I love you and have faith that your gonna win!! Have a greatly blessed day. Angie

Carla said...

Jeremy
What you are feeling is normal. Ray wanted to just quit and die many times during his years of battle, but we kept going on. Do not feel ashamed of those feelings as they are so normal. You would not be human without them. Please know that you have so many prayers coming your way. Feel free to share your down feelings as well as your up feelings. You are doing the right thing and it is more than okay to cry, to scream, and to have what we used to call pity parties. Just don't let your self fall too deep, remember that God will carry you through this but friends and loved ones are there to help Him. Know we care.
May God bless and keep you in his comforting arms through this time of trial.
Carla

demonhunter16 said...

You will never be the same! But you have a choice to make...is this a stumbling block or stepping stone? Will you allow satan to steal your joy or will you let GOD's light shine and live life to the fullest, no matter how long that might be? We are to rejoice when we go through trials/tribulations...easy for me to say, i'm not in your shoes. Keep sharing your thoughts/fears, it is good therapy and cheaper than going to a shrink. May GOD's peace be with you, as i continue to remember you in prayer.

Judy said...

I agree with Carla and Angie. You are just as you should be at this time. Everyone has a side that they think is awful if they are a Christian but that's just not true.
We all are afraid of things at times. Your blog helps others going thru the same thing. Remember, even Jesus ask God to skip the pain part when they were going to nail Him to a cross. I believe that is why that part was included in Scripture; so we could know that we can get thru it. As they say, if God brought you to it, He will bring you thru it! Love to you, Jeremy.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I am a breast cancer survivor of 4 years now. Everyone's journey is different. I appreciate that you communicate here and will try to keep reading what you continue to write to all of us in the future.