Today

I took my very last cycle of RCHOP chemotherapy last week. I've been pretty sick. I was so happy to be done with it though. No more chemo!

But now I have to wait on my next Cat scan and Pet scan before I know what's next. What I want to hear is the R word, REMISSION. I'm really, honestly hopeful and believing that I'm there, but I just cant help being terrified of the other result. If there is ANY sign of cancer at all, I will have to get a Bone Marrow transplant.

If you know me or have read this entire blog, you know that my older brother Josh had to have a BMT when his cancer recurred back in 2003. Hellish is the best word I can think of to describe those months. Josh was fortunate because he didn't need a donor. The doctors were able to use his own stemcells in what they called an Autologous StemCell Transplant. We met alot of other Bone Marrow Transplant patients when we were at Emory Hospital and at the Hope Lodge. For patients that have to rely on donor marrow the transplant is more difficult because their bodies try and reject the donor marrow in what is called Host vs Graft disease.

Knowing what could be in store for me seems almost worse than having no idea. Ignorance is bliss. I'm trying to stay hopeful and positive. I'm so thankful to have come this far by the grace of God, I'm incredibly blessed with good doctors, true friends and a steadfast family, but, man, am I scared.

I'm trying to live in the day, but it sure is difficult when so much could ride on tomorrow. The anticipation is really overwhelming. "Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today" - Seneca

Cycles

Well, I'm happy to announce I only have ONE more cycle of RCHOP to go! What a ride it has been. I can't wait to get this poison out of my system. No more cycles of sickness...at least thats the plan assuming my scans come back clean, but still, no more RCHOP ever again!

Cancer seems to be an epidemic lately. My small church is full of cancer survivors and fighters. Hardly a day goes by anymore where I don't hear of a friend or an aquaintance getting a cancer diagnosis. Its rough.

I've looked back over this blog and I think of all the things I HAVN'T talked about like trying to get Disability;  the Medicaid Bureaucracy; The endless bills stuffed in your mailbox. I'm still not going to talk about it except to say its the third part of the cycle of sickness' trifecta: Cancer, Chemo and Paperwork. As if the first two weren't hard enough.

I recently visited a friend in the hospital, the same hospital and same floor where I took my first chemo back in January. When his nurse came in to attend to him she said I looked familiar. I told her about my previous visit, but we decided that we couldn't have met then as she isn't chemo-certified. Then she asked me what kind of cancer I had.

"Large cell non-Hodgkins Lymphoma" I said.

 "Do you have a brother who also had cancer?"

"Yeah, I do."

"And did he have the exact same kind?"

"Yes..."

"Are you the Daylight Donuts guy?"

"I...used to be, yeah." Daylight Donuts was where I worked while I was saving to take my brother on a post-cancer celebratory Hawaiian vacation.

Her eyes grew wide and she she said "Oh my goodness! EVERYONE on this floor knows your story, its one of the most touching things I've ever heard!"

I cant believe how far I've come. Cancer throws so much on you and takes so much from you all at once and it takes a while to find your footing. I'm amazed at what God has done with my life. I see the cycles and I see the effects, the growth. I'm grateful.

One more cycle to go....