I took my very last cycle of RCHOP chemotherapy last week. I've been pretty sick. I was so happy to be done with it though. No more chemo!
But now I have to wait on my next Cat scan and Pet scan before I know what's next. What I want to hear is the R word, REMISSION. I'm really, honestly hopeful and believing that I'm there, but I just cant help being terrified of the other result. If there is ANY sign of cancer at all, I will have to get a Bone Marrow transplant.
If you know me or have read this entire blog, you know that my older brother Josh had to have a BMT when his cancer recurred back in 2003. Hellish is the best word I can think of to describe those months. Josh was fortunate because he didn't need a donor. The doctors were able to use his own stemcells in what they called an Autologous StemCell Transplant. We met alot of other Bone Marrow Transplant patients when we were at Emory Hospital and at the Hope Lodge. For patients that have to rely on donor marrow the transplant is more difficult because their bodies try and reject the donor marrow in what is called Host vs Graft disease.
Knowing what could be in store for me seems almost worse than having no idea. Ignorance is bliss. I'm trying to stay hopeful and positive. I'm so thankful to have come this far by the grace of God, I'm incredibly blessed with good doctors, true friends and a steadfast family, but, man, am I scared.
I'm trying to live in the day, but it sure is difficult when so much could ride on tomorrow. The anticipation is really overwhelming. "Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today" - Seneca